i tend to be someone who lives my life with a day-to-day attitude—focusing on the present, keeping myself from dwelling on the past or yearning for what's to come. it's surely a behavior i picked up from the earlier days that just stuck. a coping mechanism, a form of self-preservation.

however, i've been spending years, both passively and actively, working through bouts of amnesia so, of course, there are times when an intense feeling rooted in the past strikes me. i like to think they're the pieces of my younger self that i never acknowledged in the moment begging to be cherished before i completely forget that they ever existed.

it might seem dramatic but for a while in my early adulthood, just remembering what it was like to be a child was devastating. at first, it seemed like there was nothing else to do but sit with the experiences that i had. but as i continued recovering the lapses in my memory between my earlier days and now, i grew to view my childhood (all the way to early adulthood) more objectively and with the contextualization that i have reached levels of stability that i never could have imagined.

it's probably no foreign concept to anyone who was forced to grow exponentially in their youth—the realization that you never got a chance to celebrate or even process the progress you made as it happened. and when you finally do get the chance to acknowledge years of resilience, it's incredibly overwhelming. is this pride that i'm feeling? is it sadness? am i glorifying or romanticizing my struggles? or, as cliché as it is, am i simply mourning the childhood i never got to have because i owe it to myself?

this is my august summarized:

1. i celebrated my best friend's birthday (hi kaela) and went to my friend's housewarming party (hello nick and julia)
2. i went out to dinner by myself for the first time . this was one of my goals for the year so hooray :D
3. i played peak with my friends and it was so funny that i almost started crying from laughter
4. gave up on growing my hair out (derrek helped me cut it hehe)
5. i started learning how to knit again !! i took this fibers class in college and knitting was one of the skills we were taught but i didn't retain Any of it . it was so hard for me to grasp the techniques back then... when you're 25, everything finally starts to make sense LOL
6. i officially started the fall semester for my BS

i used to really despise fall cuz i kept associating it with sadness and loneliness but i've finally knocked off the habit . i'm so excited for festivities this year +_+

anyways, i've got to get back to homework naow... until october...!

this month, i'll be going back to school; i'm starting a new chapter of my life where i'll be pursuing my second degree—a BS in social and behavioral sciences . i'm really excited but also a bit terrified... it's been 3 years since i graduated college . what if my head's full of rocks now.... but there's no point in self-doubt . i'm determined to learn and apply the knowledge that i do have to my studies !! i just have to remember self-discipline when it comes to deadlines since it'll be completely online this time around o_O

no more of this shit LOL

hi hi hi !!!! it's been a bit so let me write of my recent adventures (reverse chronologically)

04/12: the besties and i went to go see the naruto: the symphonic experience and it was seriously awesome . they encourage the audience to interact with the performance (ex. when an iconic scene is played, you can cheer) so you know i had to cry and clap whenever gaara was on screen........... but omfg . when kimimaro was on screen, everyone cheered (of course) but i screamed so loud that my voice filled the entire theater 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 they don't understand how serious i am about him

03/21: our wonderful friend maddie visited hehe . we hung out late into the night.. and of course, we went into a photo booth for some printable memories

it's been nearly a year since i last added anything new to this site.... because it's been so long, i figured that i should do a recap of last year since one (1) million things happened to me

this is my 2024 summarized in highlights:

1. january - got a job at an art museum as a gallery attendant / started antipsychotics
2. february - played a lot of stardew valley with my partner / did some wheel throwing
3. march - got my third lobes pierced / held a charcuterie board night / went back to therapy
4. april - started playing neopets again and got really into it
5. may - held a tiny art show / stopped my antipsychotics
6. june - celebrated my partner's birthday and my own (we're both gemini hehe)
7. july - participated in art fight
8. august - decided to grow my hair out
9. september - went on a trip with my partner / saw the ocean
10. october - went on another trip with my partner / met so many new (and old) friends / started zoloft
11. november - saw ginger root with my beloveds / graduated therapy / got my rook pierced
12. december - hung out with my brother / ended the year on a pretty good note