caroline, caroline polachek · tell me i never knew that
september was lovely. i captured a lot of special moments on my film camera but because i
still need to complete that roll and have it developed, i'll skip last month's recap for
now.
i'm feeling rather melancholic today so here's your warning that this next wall of text
is a reflection of my vulnerable state.
i tend to be someone who lives my life with a day-to-day attitude—focusing on the
present, keeping myself from dwelling on the past or yearning for what's to come. it's
surely a behavior i picked up from the earlier days that just stuck. a coping mechanism,
a form of self-preservation.
however, i've been spending years, both passively and actively, working through bouts of
amnesia so, of course, there are times when an intense feeling rooted in the past
strikes me. i like to think they're the pieces of my younger self that i never
acknowledged in the moment begging to be cherished before i completely forget that they
ever existed.
it might seem dramatic but for a while in my early adulthood, just remembering what it
was like to be a child was devastating. at first, it seemed like there was nothing else
to do but sit with the experiences that i had. but as i continued recovering the lapses
in my memory between my earlier days and now, i grew to view my childhood (all the way
to early adulthood) more objectively and with the contextualization that i have reached
levels of stability that i never could have imagined.
it's probably no foreign concept to anyone who was forced to grow exponentially in their
youth—the realization that you never got a chance to celebrate or even process the
progress you made as it happened. and when you finally do get the chance to acknowledge
years of resilience, it's incredibly overwhelming. is this pride that i'm feeling? is it
sadness? am i glorifying or romanticizing my struggles? or, as cliché as it is, am i
simply mourning the childhood i never got to have because i owe it to myself?
this reflective behavior was a habit of mine for a good bit, but it's decreased in
frequency by a lot, i think, due to my satisfaction with introspection on the matter. though, now, i'm trying to make sense of a newly developed habit:
a vision of bright green tree leaves framing a very blue, blue sky in full color and vividity accompanied by no sense of time or location is beamed into my head. i have a very poor imagination so it's an incredible sight for my mind's eye to see! alongside this scene is an intense mixture of beauty and happiness, but also melancholy.
i don't think it's a memory, but what i imagine to be the most peaceful imagery i could
envision. it could be that i'm unlearning this dependence on living day-to-day to feel secure in
my life. maybe, this is the feeling i'm yearning for now—the feeling that i'm safe to start
chasing....
anyway, that's enough pondering for today; i have shit to do !!!!
p.s. i'm finally continuing my playthrough of the legend of zelda: skyward sword
met some beautiful souls, had some drinks and street tacos, and danced the night
away
